Rain?!?

Rain has always had an equivocal effect on me, threatening and soothing in the same breath. Unbridled passions and  the unaffected parts of me that I dare not show (even to self)  are inspired by the gushing rain...suddenly they are free to run unashamedly through my mind. The drops falling from their high places are like thoughts and feelings that are finally being released, allowed to run their course and find their destinies. Some bind themselves to something greater and gain momentum as they go. Others destroy what ever is standing in their way only to meet  a similar fate or be abandoned. Like all torrents, they eventually wane. Whatever makes it through is left awakened and refreshed . The lingering sadness over what has  been lost is intertwined with the excitement of the new. Nature though often unclear does give birth to clarity. The cold on the outside compels us to deal with the cold within.

The Doubter's Prayer- Anne Bronte

Eternal Power, of earth and air!

Unseen, yet seen in all around,

Remote, but dwelling everywhere,

Though silent, heard in every sound;

If e'er thine ear in mercy bent,

When wretched mortals cried to Thee,

And if, indeed, Thy Son was sent,

To save lost sinners such as me:

Then hear me now,while kneeling here,I

 lift to thee my heart and eye,

And all my soul ascends in prayer,

OH, GIVE ME--GIVE ME FAITH! I cry.

Without some glimmering in my heart,

I could not raise this fervent prayer;

But, oh! a stronger light impart,

And in Thy mercy fix it there.

While Faith is with me, I am blest;

It turns my darkest night to day;

But while I clasp it to my breast,

I often feel it slide away.

Then, cold and dark, my spirit sinks,

To see my light of life depart;

And every fiend of Hell, methinks,

Enjoys the anguish of my heart.

What shall I do, if all my love,

My hopes, my toil, are cast away,

And if there be no God above,

To hear and bless me when I pray?

If this be vain delusion all,

If death be an eternal sleep,

And none can hear my secret call,

Or see the silent tears I weep!

Oh, help me, God!

For thou alone Canst my distracted soul relieve;

Forsake it not: it is thine own,

Though weak, yet longing to believe.

Oh, drive these cruel doubts away;

And make me know, that Thou art God!

A faith, that shines by night and day,

Will lighten every earthly load.

If I believe that Jesus died,

And waking, rose to reign above;

Then surely Sorrow, Sin, and Pride,

Must yield to Peace, and Hope, and Love.

And all the blessed words He said

Will strength and holy joy impart:

A shield of safety o'er my head,

A spring of comfort in my heart.

** Sometimes you stumble across the words of another that so aptly mirror your thoughts and feelings that you are left wondering how similar the human experience can be.

things i've learned from the men in my life.

1. to look fear in the face and not run.

2. to do what needs to be done, the best way i can.
 
3. to be proud of who i am, butnot let that get in the way of who i can become.

4. to give of myself until there is nothing more to give.

5. to rise above mistakes,no matter how grave.

6. to make sacrifices, and find joy and putting others before self.

7. to never stop dreaming, for dreams are the buds from which great achievement sprouts.

8. to remember that inspite of all the evidence pointing to the contrary...God does exist.

9.  that although  life  mays take some unexpected turns, it is never an excuse enough for me to give up.

10.that strong winds make strong trees only when the roots run deep.

11. to savour  the present, because i can never be  absolutely sure of tomorrow's sunrise.

12. to consider the careless abandon of children at play, and realise that sometimes like them I need to stop trying to fix everthing and abandon myself to God's providence.


P.s.I know without a doubt that i couldn't have been given a better father and brother.

You and I

together we are like fire,

smoking,sweltering,then burning

flames doing a twisted dance,

flaring and falling as if in a trance,

casting shadows , teasing the eyes

raising the hope of a putrid heart

threatening but comforting

I pray it lasts or that time be still,

while i relish the endless possibilty

and savour you and me

coals red and hot,

glowing as if eternal

with potence multiplied

by their union....

then miles apart

dead and cold,

almost is if it never was,

but for the ashes.

On writing.......

Writers should not be afraid. The selective universality of human experience ensures that someone somewhere will understand what we are talking about. Many writers have been abhorred before they were applauded. Many who really made a difference did not live to see it. But that did not get in their way. Draw into the resources hidden within you and let your words speak for you. The legitimate desire to be better at what we do should not drive us to become something that we are not. Let your thoughts be yours. A man may be bound in chains but as long as he can still think independently ,he is as free as a bird. Learn from those before you, let the influences around you provoke you to explore the possibilties. But when the pen meets the paper, be true to yourself....tell the story as only you can.


"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self doubt."
Sylvia Plath

Layered in Love

Its easy to get weary,and to let go of what i already know,
and even easier to forget what you've led me through before,
when i am blinded by the present need,
i fail to see how much help i've already recieved,
i start to look through my alternatives,
trying to fix when i know i should yield.
i feel the distance growing and still,
I leave you on the outside as the battles rage within.
i get lost in the same self that led me to the crazy place that i am in,
and i keep banging on the same doors that i always do,
with the false hope that maybe this time i will find a way- by myself.
You let me try things my way because that's what love does
.....it doesn't interfere with free will.
It's up to me to reach for you.
You hate to watch me struggle
but you know i must in order to grow.
and when i finally reach my end,
and this prodigal in utter despair comes home,
you are there.
to fix the fraying edges of my sanity,
to heal my stubborn and worn heart.
to love me back to where i was meant to be.
Deserving nothing but a thrashing,
i'm given more than i hope for, more than in need.
i'm Layered in Love.

Bereft.

feels like a lifetime between  the last time we spoke and now,
can't help but wonder how  things are,
how much you've changed- I know we both have,
 but knowing it's inevitable does not make it any more bearable.
"Everything is fine," I say that to myself  and whoever cares to listen,
hoping that those around me are more convinced than I am.
but I say it anyway. I want to hope. I want to make believe.
I'll settle for anything but the reality...
                   that I am here and you're there...
and that missing you  is the only thing that I have infinite ability to do.
The strange feeling that I spend half my time running away from settles once more
and all I can do is sigh.
 I am bereft.