What i will not tell you

I feel you in the brush of the wind,
I smell you in the fruity cocktail of spring,
I hear you speak in the recesses of my mind,
I remember the touch of your hand on mine,
I miss you,
with everything that I am.

music in the breaking glass

……….And then the dam breaks. It’s been too much for too long. Once the barrier is breached there really is no turning back. We all believe in something until that faith is dealt a blow that fells it to the ground. Desperate effort is made to maintain some sort of semblance to normalcy. Some people call it damage control. Trying to save face seeing as the battle is already lost. Like a flimsy flame on a windy night it does not  stand a chance. Sometimes the darkness is just overwhelming…even to Light. I guess it’s time to find the music in the breaking glass.

for 2216

I’m inextricably wrapped up in you.
Don’t try to undo what it’s taken years to build.
You may tug at the ends a little, allow room for the inevitable.
Explore. Discover. Paint the sky a different hue.
Live unafraid. I’m learning to do that too.
But please don’t run too far for me to find you.
I like being entangled in you.
I’d like to think that finding you means finding me.

Wishful thinking?!?!?!

.......its complicated. but we can make it work . We use the good to help us through the bad. we hold on tight when all reason would dictate that we let go. we go beyond what we think and feel at a material moment . things change, sometimes  right before our very eyes. thats when you really know, love is a choice not a feeling. As in every relationship there comes a time when the warm fuzzy feeling is dead and cold .Then what? out of the passionless days a deeper love CAN grow. if I can love you when I dont understand you , when we aren't reading from the same script anymore and nothing feels the way it used to, if I can wait,hope and pray just long enough.....maybe we'll find us again. MAYBE. IF.

letter to my little sister.....

I often think about you. it's hard knowing that you are out there somewhere, sometimes needing me but surviving without, perhaps wanting to have nothing to do with me becuase it's less painful that way. or maybe be that's just the way we were raised -to close our eyes to what's right in front of us, respect the wishes of those older and wiser even when we know that it simply postpones the reality of having to deal with situations till later. I imagine you are fine. making do with what life has alloted you and finding joy in the little things. I know you miss daddy . I did too. I missed him so bad I made up this crazy place in my head in which he could do no wrong. I pictured happy reunions and glorious happy ever-afters every night before i went to sleep. That's what love does when forced apart. It magnifies the good and glosses over the bad. Still ,it's such imagination that helped me make it through.I see him as often as i want now. But there is no getting back the time we've lost. Only comfort is that his actions were in love and there is no way I can hold that against him...and I hope that you don't either. There is so much I want to share with you....Your life is a lot bigger than you know, school is hard but it pays off, boys come and go, smart girls know when it's time to let go, life is scary place but you can make it if you take time to pray. i'd love so much to be for you everything that I needed when I was your age. yet all I can do is hope that your in safe hands and that you'll turn out alright. I hope you know deep down that someone somewhere loves you and believes in you. ..Just like real sisters do.

....just in case you have forgotten

He is enough. 

no measure of wrong 

no heart of stone

no depth of hurt 

no tear in the night 

no bondage to sin

no fear within

not even a stubborn will 

is beyond His hand,

His touch, 

His love.

Cuts

we cut to hurt
then we cut to heal,
we cut to explore, fix or reveal
we cut to conceal.
corners. truth. sickness. youth. ties.
we cut to survive
or just to be sure we're still alive.
we cut in an attempt to end misery,then die in it!