oh well....

At 8:45 pm, in my bed in a foreign country I finally come to the realization of what’s really been bugging me. What’s made me freak out the boyfriend with sudden unexplained tears to which in his great wisdom he attributes to hormones. Can’t agree with him, can’t refute it either. Life does feel like a roller coaster ride for the most part. I haven’t written in forever, haven’t cared too. Been too busy being bogged down by my insignificance and the impermanence of my existence even as all this great stuff was happening in my life. It’s what we all long for, a fulfilling life, the prospect of true love, a very real possibility that all our life’s dreams could come true. It’s kinda scary when you realize don’t really know what to do with it because you don’t really know who you really are. There!!!! That’s what’s bugging me… I’m having trouble finding self, and it’s on nights like these when you regret having watched more tv in 3 weeks than anyone should watch in a lifetime(unless they don’t mind having mush in the place of grey matter) . With the reluctance of a willing addict you turn the damn thing off and for fear of your own thoughts turn to the comfort of a book…right after a short rant with run-on sentences that a much loved but a tad too grammatically correct best friend will find very irritating…….

introspection

strangers in my house

   my mind

      my life. 

undefined edges

   blurred faces

     feelings....places. 

fluid thoughts

  join together-

      an endless stream

of what used to be,

   might have been ,

      If Only...

things floating in my sleep deprived mind

somtimes the thing we resist so much is the one thing that we need.we clutch at straws and atttempt to jump onto a ship that has already set sail. i am addicted to stability and i fight with everything i have to hold onto what i know because i'm scared to death of what i dont know.i linger over familiar places trying to recreate that which has already passed. why is it  so much simpler to look  backwards instead of  wrapping my mind around where i'm headed....why am i so afraid?