things floating in my sleep deprived mind

somtimes the thing we resist so much is the one thing that we need.we clutch at straws and atttempt to jump onto a ship that has already set sail. i am addicted to stability and i fight with everything i have to hold onto what i know because i'm scared to death of what i dont know.i linger over familiar places trying to recreate that which has already passed. why is it  so much simpler to look  backwards instead of  wrapping my mind around where i'm headed....why am i so afraid? 

battles nobody sees

I am fine, I act fine. I live fine. In fact , fine is me!  I put my issues in a box, and stack it far away. I compartmentalize my life in order to survive. After all, a lie told to self over and over again starts become reality. Once in a while I pull out the box and go to familiar places but the trick is not to stay to long. EVER. Well, today I lingered over a thought and my compartments all disappeared. I tried to catch the spreading mess but my hands could only reach so far. It was more aggressive than I had imagined. It forced its way out, enjoying the new found freedom and suffocating me with every inch gained. I knew this day would come but I don’t remember ever thinking it would be this way. I’d have thought of the proverbial plan B because right now I’m running butt naked in the rain to keep sane.


***If light is the only thing that can dispel darkness why is the light only just flickering? What happened to bright searing beams?

today i saw a man for a man.

Calloused hands,

rough hewn features

broody eyes, a sunburn.

He said he found it strange

that the manner in which i talked

reminded him of  her

life had once been kinder to him

there was a twinkle in his eye

as he spoke of long lost dreams

a smile skirted across his lips

and in an instant it was gone

his face fell back into

it's a calm resigned state.

He said the only thing worse

than tragedy, was owning it

and refusing to let it go.

Today I saw a man for a man,

trying not to be the bitter kind.

What i will not tell you

I feel you in the brush of the wind,
I smell you in the fruity cocktail of spring,
I hear you speak in the recesses of my mind,
I remember the touch of your hand on mine,
I miss you,
with everything that I am.

music in the breaking glass

……….And then the dam breaks. It’s been too much for too long. Once the barrier is breached there really is no turning back. We all believe in something until that faith is dealt a blow that fells it to the ground. Desperate effort is made to maintain some sort of semblance to normalcy. Some people call it damage control. Trying to save face seeing as the battle is already lost. Like a flimsy flame on a windy night it does not  stand a chance. Sometimes the darkness is just overwhelming…even to Light. I guess it’s time to find the music in the breaking glass.

for 2216

I’m inextricably wrapped up in you.
Don’t try to undo what it’s taken years to build.
You may tug at the ends a little, allow room for the inevitable.
Explore. Discover. Paint the sky a different hue.
Live unafraid. I’m learning to do that too.
But please don’t run too far for me to find you.
I like being entangled in you.
I’d like to think that finding you means finding me.

Wishful thinking?!?!?!

.......its complicated. but we can make it work . We use the good to help us through the bad. we hold on tight when all reason would dictate that we let go. we go beyond what we think and feel at a material moment . things change, sometimes  right before our very eyes. thats when you really know, love is a choice not a feeling. As in every relationship there comes a time when the warm fuzzy feeling is dead and cold .Then what? out of the passionless days a deeper love CAN grow. if I can love you when I dont understand you , when we aren't reading from the same script anymore and nothing feels the way it used to, if I can wait,hope and pray just long enough.....maybe we'll find us again. MAYBE. IF.