the truth

It is the scariest thing in the world. It has the power to break hearts, it has the power to heal us. They say it can set us free. I dont know, it might depend on the truth you see, sometimes it feels like the truth just might be the death of me.  I know it can eat us from within, constantly battering our insides as if our life depends on it. The truth maybe the hardest thing to bear, but it still is the truth, sooner than later, whether kicking and screaming or having been beaten into desperate submission by the weight of it all, it's something we all have to face. And  if we are fortunate enough,we come out bruised and broken..... but alive.

Blasted possibilities

Hope is a funny thing.
Existing even when we will it not to.
In spite of reason
Or obvious evidence pointing to the contrary,
It refuses to die.
it fools you into thinking
you are done with it
you cant feel or see it anymore.

Convinced that you’ve beaten it
buried it deep into the ground
even planted grass
to cover it’s optimistic head
you say to yourself
‘hope has breathed its final breath,
hope which dare not die …..is dead.’
Finally you can rest
After all, one need not worry about the dead!

You forget that hope is a funny thing.
Till you are struck
By a kicked-in-the-gut feeling
It catches you unaware...
a hard fast blow
that leaves you reeling in shock.
You realize that while it hid, it grew
It spread its roots in your very core.
It thrived in you and you never even knew.
           Blasted possibilities!

You’d tried to avoid this exact feeling,
of losing something that you know
never quite really was yours.
But hope is a funny funny thing,
and so are blasted possibilities!

To whom it may concern.....

the only thing to come out of this long absence is an intense disgust for all things cute( stories, books, beliefs, even tissue) and a creepy desire for anything that is shocking. There is a stranger in my mind,throwing stuff around , shaking it up a little bit which might explain why i cant quite write coherently. my girlfriends think i'm in a weird place and it's just a phase. my sister keeps wondering why i'm so dysfunctional and where the disconnect with fellow humans comes from. all i do look, listen and return to operating at bare minimum. Having given you an update ,i'm returning to my cave to perhaps retrieve my scripted and much more easily read personality .Crazier stuff has happened to people so there's no need to worry. I will return........maybe.

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;

Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.

It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.

                                Edna St. Vincent Millay


*i love it when the words of another hit home.

Untitled.

And so I dance

Hoping you’ll notice

the girl behind the makeup,

you don’t have to remember

and I  shouldn’t expect you to

you get what you paid for,

I put food on my table

just another girl

hoping she’s special

so I’ll keep dancing

pretend our eyes didn’t meet

a moment’s recognition,

dismissed as an illusion

as always

The lights will go out

tomorrow there’ll be another girl

perhaps prettier

maybe more skilled

definitely not me

gotta pull a crowd

or you’re out

and so I dance tonight

with everything I’ve got

Unseen,

even as the spotlight shines on me!

Release?!?!?!?

it's Saturday night. I'm at home. in bed . with my best friend. no, not like that. She's not feeling too good. I'm truthfully not any better. so we lie here in silence. it doesn't fix anything. but i feel a lot less alone. And in my world that is a good thing....most of the time.
"in a room full of people but as lonely as hell" that's her line, not mine. it echoes what my heart knows only too well. I spend my days being nice, trying to make connections with people that i don't even think i like, doing my job because it is after all what i signed my self up for. that's what life is like right? i should be glad i have a job and all that positive junk we constantly feed each other to help us get through life no matter how crappy it gets.
so at the end of the day i shuffle my exhausted self into my apartment , too spent to really talk to the people i actually care about about things i care about. i make a half hearted attempt at actually communicating with God but that doesn't go very far. i feel like he left me out on a limb and if he's a good as they say he is why wont he give me a break? It's like I'm a spider and he's pinned me down by one leg (the way used to torture the ones i found in the bathroom when i was a kid) and no matter what i do I'm going to have to come back and settle stuff with him. And even though i know and i deserve it for having done stuff i shouldn't have, it pisses me off. i honestly don't like him very much in moments like these. I hate the trapped feeling. once again I'm aware of how alone i am on so many different levels.
But there is no point in complaining. so we lie here in silence. Hoping the gaps will narrow. Hoping that hope will live past little sorrows. Hoping in tomorrow.

things floating in my sleep deprived mind

somtimes the thing we resist so much is the one thing that we need.we clutch at straws and atttempt to jump onto a ship that has already set sail. i am addicted to stability and i fight with everything i have to hold onto what i know because i'm scared to death of what i dont know.i linger over familiar places trying to recreate that which has already passed. why is it  so much simpler to look  backwards instead of  wrapping my mind around where i'm headed....why am i so afraid?