untitled

As life unravels before my eyes i quickly realise that there are no guarantees, no boundaries beyond those in my head , no complete absolutes, no way of being sure that everything will turn out  the way i'd like nor think it should. So why strive in a world devoid of certainities? What happens after I  lose my will? It's easy to fall into a learned helplessness having had your hopes beaten into the ground before. Yet deep inside something stirs, a flicker of light, a sign of life. The fighter  in  me will  not be staying  down, bruised n broken but fighting still.

Why do i weep?

You ask, Why do i weep?
i weep for years of dreams
for the loss of ideals
for the changes i see ahead
for the sacrifice of so much for so little
for what could have been
but will not have the chance to become
for the difference that i see in you
for the person i know and love,
having to learn to swim in the deep,
for the paths that can only be trod alone,
for the hand i'd gladly give
but cant.
I weep for you.

Life....

.....and so we learn to start over even as our hearts ache,
we learn to endure present pain for the greater gain,
 we learn to hope for brighter days in the midst of darkness
we learn to give even when we feel there is nothing left,
 we learn to pick up the pieces ,and start to build again ,
we learn to be stong for those who need us
even as we internally crumble to nothingness.

I measure every Grief I meet (561) -Emily Dickinson.

 I measure every Grief I meet

With narrow, probing, Eyes –

I wonder if It weighs like Mine –

Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long

Or did it just begin –

I could not tell the Date of Mine –

It feels so old a pain –

I wonder if it hurts to live –

And if They have to try –

And whether – could They choose between –

It would not be – to die –

I note that Some – gone patient long –

At length, renew their smile –

An imitation of a Light

That has so little Oil –

I wonder if when Years have piled –

Some Thousands – on the Harm –

That hurt them early – such a lapse

Could give them any Balm –

Or would they go on aching still

Through Centuries of Nerve –

Enlightened to a larger Pain –

In Contrast with the Love –

The Grieved – are many – I am told –

There is the various Cause –

Death – is but one – and comes but once –

And only nails the eyes –

There's Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –

A sort they call "Despair" –

There's Banishment from native Eyes –

In Sight of Native Air –

And though I may not guess the kind –

Correctly – yet to me

A piercing Comfort it affords

In passing Calvary –

To note the fashions – of the Cross –

And how they're mostly worn –

Still fascinated to presume

That Some – are like My Own –

***I love this poem.

Secrets

she walks as if the world is at her feet

her laughter rings like all is well indeed

she flashes a smile at a passerby

stops and cuddles the puppy trotting by

waves at the gray haired man trimming the lush green fence

glances at a couple locked in passionate embrace

it's pretty vibrant.... for a village street

she listens to the crunch of the leaves underneath her feet

she feels the autumn wind blow through her hair

senses the great expectation in the atmosphere

thoughts of the future flash through her mind

settling, skipping then fleeting like butterflies

she turns the corner and the house comes into view,

and the heaviness settles with vigour anew

she slackens her pace-

dreading the loss of personal space,

with a final look she takes it all in

creating a scenic memory,

then she quietly lets herself inside ,

shutting the door ....leaving freedom outside.

her eyes meet a pair of menacing ones and she knows,

she'll need the scenic memory to deal with his pounding blows

.....and a lot more.

Having been out in the open.....

.....and so you learn to wear masks, you learn to hide behind smiles and cheer, you learn to be there without really being there. Life doesn't always have to be fair....you dared to think it'd be for you. Not everyone is as good as their word. Not even when they promise to. Life has no guarantees...we only lie to ourselves when we say it does. Sometimes you have to give what you can never ask for and then have it not recieved with appreciation as hoped but with quiet indifference. Such foolishness it is to wear one's heart on one's sleeve. Laying things bare is to set up yourself to get burned. It takes just a little exposure to make you vulnerable.... then all it takes is a little tug before you come undone.

thorn in my flesh

Been thinking about Paul and his thorn....does it always have to hurt for us to be able to remember our humanity and lack of self suffiency? Was there no other way for God to keep Paul focused on him as his Ultimate source? Do we all have to get some form of thorn  as loving chastisement when things start to get out of balance? Does need make us more loyal to the one through whom all our needs are supplied? Do we appreciate wholeness more  deeply after having been anything less than whole?

thoughts of you

I'm holding onto a thread
hoping to find you at it's end
we'd barely crossed the threshold
before it was time to go
I dont know whether it makes it better
this having less to miss n remember,
or is it alot worse having
more to wish we'd had the chance for,
sometimes i want to take back all the no's,
wishing you were less of a gentleman,
so you wouldn't ask but just do,
though it's this lack of assumption
that made me first fall in love with you
what if I'd thrown caution to the wind
been more open to the possibility
maybe i would not be so acutely aware
of the a thousand miles or more
between your hands and mine.

little lessons

I'm learning to wait, to let things take their full course,someone wiser told me to flow with the flow, when something beautiful is meant for you, it'll get to you. So after all the struggling to make things happen that i've been doing, i realise that my life is bigger than me, and someone greater is in control...that means i dont have to swim against the currents, i just gotta put out my sails and trust the wind to carry me to my destiny.