nursing school chronicles: 1

Things are already becoming intense and it’s only week 2 of the semester. I’ve been trying to stay on top of the reading and all craziness related to nursing. I don’t want to be as stressed out as I was last semester.   Did the ropes course on Tuesday of this week and I surprised myself by not freaking out over heights as usual. I talked myself into trying everything at least once and in a way it was good for me.  Found out that life in general gives you as much as you are willing to put into it. There is my nugget of wisdom for the day. ... Even though I’m sure I read that someplace else back when I still read books for fun.   Does writing about our lives make us more narcissistic or just more aware? Maybe it a bit of both….there we go again with the grey areas. I miss black and white, and defined edges, and certainty!     

  In other news ,  I finally stuck to  the exercise routine, let’s hope it survives clinicals and I don’t find myself lying on the living room floor asking myself  why I’m doing this even though it exhausts me  both mentally and physically.  I never questioned myself so much until nursing school.  Everything seems to have shifted, including the ground underneath my feet.  I’m  even questioning questioning. But according to the research class, questions are good.  Apparently that’s how all the cool stuff starts. ..Somebody somewhere said "but why?" So I’ll keep questioning and finding the gaps. Maybe I’ll send up flares and draw some attention, or I’ll make a quiet discovery and be content.  Who knows. 

Christmas blues

The smell of roasted chicken on the 24^th, the light in the eyes of your siblings as they anticipate the feasting of the next day,  the acceptance of family, regardless of what the year has been like,  the sound of Jim reeves  and Boney M playing in the background ……It was in moments like these  that our world stood still.  We forgot our challenges, we forgot our fears and for 5 minutes, we had the time of our lives and danced without a care in the world.  We didn’t have much, but for some reason it felt like we had everything.

Sometimes you feel like the “missing” is going to kill you , like the separation from loved ones is too much, like there no  point in moving forward if you aren’t moving with the people you love.  Sometimes home is a faraway place, and longing takes its permanent place in your heart, and laughter and cheer can only go so far, they scratch at the surface of your twisted, pining heart, and are a temporary relief to the gnawing ache that is born of a change that arrived before its time, before you were ready for it. Sometimes  home is a long way from where you are, and trees and candles and all the material things can’t feel the void ,  they can’t seem to  cut through the tangible thickness that seems to have only one cure,  albeit one beyond your reach . Sometimes you can’t help wanting what you want, and much as you cover it up with pride, courage and gratefulness for whats left, a part of you still wants what it wants. The best you can do stop hitting your head against the wall by fighting it. 

Because i'm on my way to being a great nurse....

Another one of those crazy tests that make you question learning styles that have worked for ages but are producing crappy results lately.  WEIRD!  I’m slightly perturbed by nursing testing. I don’t like being confused. I don’t like studying for days and then being frazzled by questions that are designed have two good answers but one BEST answer.  Pathophysiology is hard but at least there is only one right answer. I can live with being wrong when I’m wrong without question.  I’m a squares not circles person, and while  I’m making an effort to be open minded and  think outside the box/circle  and all the brouhaha that goes  with it, I actually like it when things fit..I like defined boundaries; I think they are essential to my sanity. I’d also like to not have someone on the other side thinking up ways to make things even more complicated. I am aware that I can’t have everything I want the way i want it  so before you(I’m referring to everyone who’s been dishing out unsolicited , impractical, condescending half-ass advice) tell me to suck it up and deal with it realize that I’m  entitled to a rant.

Deception

Darkness masquerades as a friend, 

not just  mere inspiration 

for loosely morbid poetry

it seems as if it knows me best

seeing all 

neither aiding nor standing in the way

surrounding me in the depths of the war over my soul, 

comforting me when i fail ,

reluctantly acknowledging my victory 

should i emerge a temporary master

 of self and selfishness, 

cautioning and enabling 

a short lived celebration.  

eventually

 the struggle between good and evil ensues...

the outcome is never certain,

 and  darkness, 

the kind  whose presence is most felt at 3:00am

nearly fools me into believing it is a friend.

giving free reign to thought

my writing is sporadic at best. and to those to whom this makes any difference in their lives, i apologize. life gets hectic. this is only a conduit of  release, and while  opportunities to indulge  may often present themselves,sometimes it's easier to stay out of my own mind than to face the reality of what i'll find...or fail to find.  this is  what's in here right now....
1. cant remember what it feels like to keep things simple. what a tangled web I've weaved
2. it's kinda hard to dislike contradiction when it's the one word that most accurately defines you
3. i need to stop caring about what other people think about xyz....it's a stifling way to live
4. the Good Book says we are "like a vapor in the wind".  very humbling if you think about it
5. nostalgia : the thing that makes you think you miss the very things you may have once greatly disliked (currently it's being someone else's responsibility)
6. All the best people are entirely bonkers, Mad hatter was right
7. we change our shape in order to keep from snapping in half -see even the trees give lessons on life 
8. i cant wait to ask my maker why the gene for long,silky black hair skipped me...and almost everyone before me
9. i'm really hoping your were not expecting 10 moderately interesting thoughts...  my excuse is that 9 is the new 10 ( if only for today)

oh well....

At 8:45 pm, in my bed in a foreign country I finally come to the realization of what’s really been bugging me. What’s made me freak out the boyfriend with sudden unexplained tears to which in his great wisdom he attributes to hormones. Can’t agree with him, can’t refute it either. Life does feel like a roller coaster ride for the most part. I haven’t written in forever, haven’t cared too. Been too busy being bogged down by my insignificance and the impermanence of my existence even as all this great stuff was happening in my life. It’s what we all long for, a fulfilling life, the prospect of true love, a very real possibility that all our life’s dreams could come true. It’s kinda scary when you realize don’t really know what to do with it because you don’t really know who you really are. There!!!! That’s what’s bugging me… I’m having trouble finding self, and it’s on nights like these when you regret having watched more tv in 3 weeks than anyone should watch in a lifetime(unless they don’t mind having mush in the place of grey matter) . With the reluctance of a willing addict you turn the damn thing off and for fear of your own thoughts turn to the comfort of a book…right after a short rant with run-on sentences that a much loved but a tad too grammatically correct best friend will find very irritating…….

introspection

strangers in my house

   my mind

      my life. 

undefined edges

   blurred faces

     feelings....places. 

fluid thoughts

  join together-

      an endless stream

of what used to be,

   might have been ,

      If Only...