Friday, December 19, 2008

things i've learned from the men in my life.

1. to look fear in the face and not run.

2. to do what needs to be done, the best way i can.
 
3. to be proud of who i am, butnot let that get in the way of who i can become.

4. to give of myself until there is nothing more to give.

5. to rise above mistakes,no matter how grave.

6. to make sacrifices, and find joy and putting others before self.

7. to never stop dreaming, for dreams are the buds from which great achievement sprouts.

8. to remember that inspite of all the evidence pointing to the contrary...God does exist.

9.  that although  life  mays take some unexpected turns, it is never an excuse enough for me to give up.

10.that strong winds make strong trees only when the roots run deep.

11. to savour  the present, because i can never be  absolutely sure of tomorrow's sunrise.

12. to consider the careless abandon of children at play, and realise that sometimes like them I need to stop trying to fix everthing and abandon myself to God's providence.


P.s.I know without a doubt that i couldn't have been given a better father and brother.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

You and I

together we are like fire,
smoking,sweltering,then burning
flames doing a twisted dance,
flaring and falling as if in a trance,
casting shadows , teasing the eyes
raising the hope of a putrid heart
threatening but comforting
I pray it lasts or that time be still,
while i relish the endless possibilty
and savour you and me
coals red and hot,
glowing as if eternal
with potence multiplied
by their union....
then miles apart
dead and cold,
almost is if it never was,
but for the ashes.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

On writing.......

Writers should not be afraid. The selective universality of human experience ensures that someone somewhere will understand what we are talking about. Many writers have been abhorred before they were applauded. Many who really made a difference did not live to see it. But that did not get in their way. Draw into the resources hidden within you and let your words speak for you. The legitimate desire to be better at what we do should not drive us to become something that we are not. Let your thoughts be yours. A man may be bound in chains but as long as he can still think independently ,he is as free as a bird. Learn from those before you, let the influences around you provoke you to explore the possibilties. But when the pen meets the paper, be true to yourself....tell the story as only you can.


"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self doubt."
Sylvia Plath

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Layered in Love

Its easy to get weary,and to let go of what i already know,
and even easier to forget what you've led me through before,
when i am blinded by the present need,
i fail to see how much help i've already recieved,
i start to look through my alternatives,
trying to fix when i know i should yield.
i feel the distance growing and still,
I leave you on the outside as the battles rage within.
i get lost in the same self that led me to the crazy place that i am in,
and i keep banging on the same doors that i always do,
with the false hope that maybe this time i will find a way- by myself.
You let me try things my way because that's what love does
.....it doesn't interfere with free will.
It's up to me to reach for you.
You hate to watch me struggle
but you know i must in order to grow.
and when i finally reach my end,
and this prodigal in utter despair comes home,
you are there.
to fix the fraying edges of my sanity,
to heal my stubborn and worn heart.
to love me back to where i was meant to be.
Deserving nothing but a thrashing,
i'm given more than i hope for, more than in need.
i'm Layered in Love.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Bereft.

feels like a lifetime between  the last time we spoke and now,
can't help but wonder how  things are,
how much you've changed- I know we both have,
 but knowing it's inevitable does not make it any more bearable.
"Everything is fine," I say that to myself  and whoever cares to listen,
hoping that those around me are more convinced than I am.
but I say it anyway. I want to hope. I want to make believe.
I'll settle for anything but the reality...
                   that I am here and you're there...
and that missing you  is the only thing that I have infinite ability to do.
The strange feeling that I spend half my time running away from settles once more
and all I can do is sigh.
 I am bereft. 

Saturday, October 25, 2008

untitled

As life unravels before my eyes i quickly realise that there are no guarantees, no boundaries beyond those in my head , no complete absolutes, no way of being sure that everything will turn out  the way i'd like nor think it should. So why strive in a world devoid of certainities? What happens after I  lose my will? It's easy to fall into a learned helplessness having had your hopes beaten into the ground before. Yet deep inside something stirs, a flicker of light, a sign of life. The fighter  in  me will  not be staying  down, bruised n broken but fighting still.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Why do i weep?

You ask, Why do i weep?
i weep for years of dreams
for the loss of ideals
for the changes i see ahead
for the sacrifice of so much for so little
for what could have been
but will not have the chance to become
for the difference that i see in you
for the person i know and love,
having to learn to swim in the deep,
for the paths that can only be trod alone,
for the hand i'd gladly give
but cant.
I weep for you.

Life....

.....and so we learn to start over even as our hearts ache,
we learn to endure present pain for the greater gain,
 we learn to hope for brighter days in the midst of darkness
we learn to give even when we feel there is nothing left,
 we learn to pick up the pieces ,and start to build again ,
we learn to be stong for those who need us
even as we internally crumble to nothingness.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I measure every Grief I meet (561) -Emily Dickinson.

 I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, Eyes –
I wonder if It weighs like Mine –
Or has an Easier size.
I wonder if They bore it long
Or did it just begin –
I could not tell the Date of Mine –
It feels so old a pain –
I wonder if it hurts to live –
And if They have to try –
And whether – could They choose between –
It would not be – to die –
I note that Some – gone patient long –
At length, renew their smile –
An imitation of a Light
That has so little Oil –
I wonder if when Years have piled –
Some Thousands – on the Harm –
That hurt them early – such a lapse
Could give them any Balm –
Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve –
Enlightened to a larger Pain –
In Contrast with the Love –
The Grieved – are many – I am told –
There is the various Cause –
Death – is but one – and comes but once –
And only nails the eyes –
There's Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –
A sort they call "Despair" –
There's Banishment from native Eyes –
In Sight of Native Air –
And though I may not guess the kind –
Correctly – yet to me
A piercing Comfort it affords
In passing Calvary –
To note the fashions – of the Cross –
And how they're mostly worn –
Still fascinated to presume
That Some – are like My Own –
***I love this poem.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Secrets

she walks as if the world is at her feet
her laughter rings like all is well indeed
she flashes a smile at a passerby
stops and cuddles the puppy trotting by
waves at the gray haired man trimming the lush green fence
glances at a couple locked in passionate embrace
it's pretty vibrant.... for a village street
she listens to the crunch of the leaves underneath her feet
she feels the autumn wind blow through her hair
senses the great expectation in the atmosphere
thoughts of the future flash through her mind
settling, skipping then fleeting like butterflies
she turns the corner and the house comes into view,
and the heaviness settles with vigour anew
she slackens her pace-
dreading the loss of personal space,
with a final look she takes it all in
creating a scenic memory,
then she quietly lets herself inside ,
shutting the door ....leaving freedom outside.
her eyes meet a pair of menacing ones and she knows,
she'll need the scenic memory to deal with his pounding blows
.....and a lot more.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Having been out in the open.....

.....and so you learn to wear masks, you learn to hide behind smiles and cheer, you learn to be there without really being there. Life doesn't always have to be fair....you dared to think it'd be for you. Not everyone is as good as their word. Not even when they promise to. Life has no guarantees...we only lie to ourselves when we say it does. Sometimes you have to give what you can never ask for and then have it not recieved with appreciation as hoped but with quiet indifference. Such foolishness it is to wear one's heart on one's sleeve. Laying things bare is to set up yourself to get burned. It takes just a little exposure to make you vulnerable.... then all it takes is a little tug before you come undone.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

thorn in my flesh


Been thinking about Paul and his thorn....does it always have to hurt for us to be able to remember our humanity and lack of self suffiency? Was there no other way for God to keep Paul focused on him as his Ultimate source? Do we all have to get some form of thorn  as loving chastisement when things start to get out of balance? Does need make us more loyal to the one through whom all our needs are supplied? Do we appreciate wholeness more  deeply after having been anything less than whole?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

thoughts of you

I'm holding onto a thread
hoping to find you at it's end
we'd barely crossed the threshold
before it was time to go
I dont know whether it makes it better
this having less to miss n remember,
or is it alot worse having
more to wish we'd had the chance for,
sometimes i want to take back all the no's,
wishing you were less of a gentleman,
so you wouldn't ask but just do,
though it's this lack of assumption
that made me first fall in love with you
what if I'd thrown caution to the wind
been more open to the possibility
maybe i would not be so acutely aware
of the a thousand miles or more
between your hands and mine.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

little lessons

I'm learning to wait, to let things take their full course,someone wiser told me to flow with the flow, when something beautiful is meant for you, it'll get to you. So after all the struggling to make things happen that i've been doing, i realise that my life is bigger than me, and someone greater is in control...that means i dont have to swim against the currents, i just gotta put out my sails and trust the wind to carry me to my destiny.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

the power within

Somewhere inside of us
lies hidden the ability to do all the things we'd rather not,
the strength to try a little more when we think couldn't make another step
the nerve to deal with everything that we are afraid of ,
the vitality to start over, when we think we are spent
the assurance that we are uniquely beautiful
and the good sense to be proud of ourselves even when no one is noticing much less applauding,
the ability to live in the present and make the most of now,
the wisdom to live with the knowledge that someone is always going to be better than us at something but that doesn't mean we are not good enough,
the faith that there is always some good that can come out of something bad,
the courage to discover facets of ourselves that we have never known existed,
the patience we need to deal with our own shortcomings and not treat life like a death sentence,
the humility to laugh at ourselves, (and join others as they do)
the capacity to live without regret, for things not done or those done wrong,
and to look back over the years and find that we truly have lived,
like only we could have.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

for DARA- with love

Wondering how you handle
when suddenly life as you know it is no more
trying to embrace fresh beginnings seems easier
when the decision is your own
life presents such promise
then before you know it it's all gone
you may not believe it but yes... i understand
the sadness felt when something ends
before it's even really begun
i pray you can pick up the pieces
and make do with what you've got
i pray that life throws you roses
because that is what beauty like you deserves,
i pray you always are assured of love
even when friends are far and few
and that the beauty of memories
remind you of how much i love you.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The birdie

Lonely little birdie, perched high on a tree
peering with longing down below
wondering what's in store for me.
Dare i stoop for something great?
a meal? a friend? a dance ?a mate?
Can i leave the comfort of my nest?
i must keep still for fear of death
not with all these what ifs in my head.
A curse it is to live in dread!

You never really get the feeling
when looking from the outside in
you never know the strength of passion
unless you've been locked in it's trance before
you can never master fear
save by leaping headfirst into the unknown....
Don't spend your life like a lonely little birdie
living in regret because you dare not leave the tree.

Monday, September 15, 2008

perchance

You and me,
thoughts of what could be
Destiny-maybe
or creations of a mind vagile

uncertainty lurks within,
but even stronger a willingness to risk,
this just might be it for me...
the beginning of something infinitely sweet.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

at the threshold

someplace different
someplace new,
someplace where life can take on any hue
perhaps a place for you.