whatever helps you sleep at night.

 and so I run from the truth even as it stares me right in the face. I compromise, make excuses , stretch boundaries, take back my own words... anything to help me  feel better about missing the mark. Perhaps having lived a lie for so long I may be able to turn it into reality. I look at the world through rose tinted glasses hoping that the good I continually  fail to find in myself  is somewhere in somebody else. There has got to be somebody out there who  has got it together, right? and even though  nobody's perfect.....some people seem to come pretty close. I like to think that there is a trace of beauty in their flaws.  That's why I shouldnt lose hope...I should dig deep and try to find the gem within.....even if this means sorting through so much junk.  it'll pay off in the end. Yeah. Sure.

Rain?!?

Rain has always had an equivocal effect on me, threatening and soothing in the same breath. Unbridled passions and  the unaffected parts of me that I dare not show (even to self)  are inspired by the gushing rain...suddenly they are free to run unashamedly through my mind. The drops falling from their high places are like thoughts and feelings that are finally being released, allowed to run their course and find their destinies. Some bind themselves to something greater and gain momentum as they go. Others destroy what ever is standing in their way only to meet  a similar fate or be abandoned. Like all torrents, they eventually wane. Whatever makes it through is left awakened and refreshed . The lingering sadness over what has  been lost is intertwined with the excitement of the new. Nature though often unclear does give birth to clarity. The cold on the outside compels us to deal with the cold within.

The Doubter's Prayer- Anne Bronte

Eternal Power, of earth and air!

Unseen, yet seen in all around,

Remote, but dwelling everywhere,

Though silent, heard in every sound;

If e'er thine ear in mercy bent,

When wretched mortals cried to Thee,

And if, indeed, Thy Son was sent,

To save lost sinners such as me:

Then hear me now,while kneeling here,I

 lift to thee my heart and eye,

And all my soul ascends in prayer,

OH, GIVE ME--GIVE ME FAITH! I cry.

Without some glimmering in my heart,

I could not raise this fervent prayer;

But, oh! a stronger light impart,

And in Thy mercy fix it there.

While Faith is with me, I am blest;

It turns my darkest night to day;

But while I clasp it to my breast,

I often feel it slide away.

Then, cold and dark, my spirit sinks,

To see my light of life depart;

And every fiend of Hell, methinks,

Enjoys the anguish of my heart.

What shall I do, if all my love,

My hopes, my toil, are cast away,

And if there be no God above,

To hear and bless me when I pray?

If this be vain delusion all,

If death be an eternal sleep,

And none can hear my secret call,

Or see the silent tears I weep!

Oh, help me, God!

For thou alone Canst my distracted soul relieve;

Forsake it not: it is thine own,

Though weak, yet longing to believe.

Oh, drive these cruel doubts away;

And make me know, that Thou art God!

A faith, that shines by night and day,

Will lighten every earthly load.

If I believe that Jesus died,

And waking, rose to reign above;

Then surely Sorrow, Sin, and Pride,

Must yield to Peace, and Hope, and Love.

And all the blessed words He said

Will strength and holy joy impart:

A shield of safety o'er my head,

A spring of comfort in my heart.

** Sometimes you stumble across the words of another that so aptly mirror your thoughts and feelings that you are left wondering how similar the human experience can be.