Release?!?!?!?

it's Saturday night. I'm at home. in bed . with my best friend. no, not like that. She's not feeling too good. I'm truthfully not any better. so we lie here in silence. it doesn't fix anything. but i feel a lot less alone. And in my world that is a good thing....most of the time.
"in a room full of people but as lonely as hell" that's her line, not mine. it echoes what my heart knows only too well. I spend my days being nice, trying to make connections with people that i don't even think i like, doing my job because it is after all what i signed my self up for. that's what life is like right? i should be glad i have a job and all that positive junk we constantly feed each other to help us get through life no matter how crappy it gets.
so at the end of the day i shuffle my exhausted self into my apartment , too spent to really talk to the people i actually care about about things i care about. i make a half hearted attempt at actually communicating with God but that doesn't go very far. i feel like he left me out on a limb and if he's a good as they say he is why wont he give me a break? It's like I'm a spider and he's pinned me down by one leg (the way used to torture the ones i found in the bathroom when i was a kid) and no matter what i do I'm going to have to come back and settle stuff with him. And even though i know and i deserve it for having done stuff i shouldn't have, it pisses me off. i honestly don't like him very much in moments like these. I hate the trapped feeling. once again I'm aware of how alone i am on so many different levels.
But there is no point in complaining. so we lie here in silence. Hoping the gaps will narrow. Hoping that hope will live past little sorrows. Hoping in tomorrow.

things floating in my sleep deprived mind

somtimes the thing we resist so much is the one thing that we need.we clutch at straws and atttempt to jump onto a ship that has already set sail. i am addicted to stability and i fight with everything i have to hold onto what i know because i'm scared to death of what i dont know.i linger over familiar places trying to recreate that which has already passed. why is it  so much simpler to look  backwards instead of  wrapping my mind around where i'm headed....why am i so afraid?