the truth

It is the scariest thing in the world. It has the power to break hearts, it has the power to heal us. They say it can set us free. I dont know, it might depend on the truth you see, sometimes it feels like the truth just might be the death of me.  I know it can eat us from within, constantly battering our insides as if our life depends on it. The truth maybe the hardest thing to bear, but it still is the truth, sooner than later, whether kicking and screaming or having been beaten into desperate submission by the weight of it all, it's something we all have to face. And  if we are fortunate enough,we come out bruised and broken..... but alive.

Blasted possibilities

Hope is a funny thing.
Existing even when we will it not to.
In spite of reason
Or obvious evidence pointing to the contrary,
It refuses to die.
it fools you into thinking
you are done with it
you cant feel or see it anymore.

Convinced that you’ve beaten it
buried it deep into the ground
even planted grass
to cover it’s optimistic head
you say to yourself
‘hope has breathed its final breath,
hope which dare not die …..is dead.’
Finally you can rest
After all, one need not worry about the dead!

You forget that hope is a funny thing.
Till you are struck
By a kicked-in-the-gut feeling
It catches you unaware...
a hard fast blow
that leaves you reeling in shock.
You realize that while it hid, it grew
It spread its roots in your very core.
It thrived in you and you never even knew.
           Blasted possibilities!

You’d tried to avoid this exact feeling,
of losing something that you know
never quite really was yours.
But hope is a funny funny thing,
and so are blasted possibilities!

To whom it may concern.....

the only thing to come out of this long absence is an intense disgust for all things cute( stories, books, beliefs, even tissue) and a creepy desire for anything that is shocking. There is a stranger in my mind,throwing stuff around , shaking it up a little bit which might explain why i cant quite write coherently. my girlfriends think i'm in a weird place and it's just a phase. my sister keeps wondering why i'm so dysfunctional and where the disconnect with fellow humans comes from. all i do look, listen and return to operating at bare minimum. Having given you an update ,i'm returning to my cave to perhaps retrieve my scripted and much more easily read personality .Crazier stuff has happened to people so there's no need to worry. I will return........maybe.

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;

Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.

It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.

                                Edna St. Vincent Millay


*i love it when the words of another hit home.

Untitled.

And so I dance

Hoping you’ll notice

the girl behind the makeup,

you don’t have to remember

and I  shouldn’t expect you to

you get what you paid for,

I put food on my table

just another girl

hoping she’s special

so I’ll keep dancing

pretend our eyes didn’t meet

a moment’s recognition,

dismissed as an illusion

as always

The lights will go out

tomorrow there’ll be another girl

perhaps prettier

maybe more skilled

definitely not me

gotta pull a crowd

or you’re out

and so I dance tonight

with everything I’ve got

Unseen,

even as the spotlight shines on me!

Release?!?!?!?

it's Saturday night. I'm at home. in bed . with my best friend. no, not like that. She's not feeling too good. I'm truthfully not any better. so we lie here in silence. it doesn't fix anything. but i feel a lot less alone. And in my world that is a good thing....most of the time.
"in a room full of people but as lonely as hell" that's her line, not mine. it echoes what my heart knows only too well. I spend my days being nice, trying to make connections with people that i don't even think i like, doing my job because it is after all what i signed my self up for. that's what life is like right? i should be glad i have a job and all that positive junk we constantly feed each other to help us get through life no matter how crappy it gets.
so at the end of the day i shuffle my exhausted self into my apartment , too spent to really talk to the people i actually care about about things i care about. i make a half hearted attempt at actually communicating with God but that doesn't go very far. i feel like he left me out on a limb and if he's a good as they say he is why wont he give me a break? It's like I'm a spider and he's pinned me down by one leg (the way used to torture the ones i found in the bathroom when i was a kid) and no matter what i do I'm going to have to come back and settle stuff with him. And even though i know and i deserve it for having done stuff i shouldn't have, it pisses me off. i honestly don't like him very much in moments like these. I hate the trapped feeling. once again I'm aware of how alone i am on so many different levels.
But there is no point in complaining. so we lie here in silence. Hoping the gaps will narrow. Hoping that hope will live past little sorrows. Hoping in tomorrow.

things floating in my sleep deprived mind

somtimes the thing we resist so much is the one thing that we need.we clutch at straws and atttempt to jump onto a ship that has already set sail. i am addicted to stability and i fight with everything i have to hold onto what i know because i'm scared to death of what i dont know.i linger over familiar places trying to recreate that which has already passed. why is it  so much simpler to look  backwards instead of  wrapping my mind around where i'm headed....why am i so afraid? 

battles nobody sees

I am fine, I act fine. I live fine. In fact , fine is me!  I put my issues in a box, and stack it far away. I compartmentalize my life in order to survive. After all, a lie told to self over and over again starts become reality. Once in a while I pull out the box and go to familiar places but the trick is not to stay to long. EVER. Well, today I lingered over a thought and my compartments all disappeared. I tried to catch the spreading mess but my hands could only reach so far. It was more aggressive than I had imagined. It forced its way out, enjoying the new found freedom and suffocating me with every inch gained. I knew this day would come but I don’t remember ever thinking it would be this way. I’d have thought of the proverbial plan B because right now I’m running butt naked in the rain to keep sane.


***If light is the only thing that can dispel darkness why is the light only just flickering? What happened to bright searing beams?

today i saw a man for a man.

Calloused hands,

rough hewn features

broody eyes, a sunburn.

He said he found it strange

that the manner in which i talked

reminded him of  her

life had once been kinder to him

there was a twinkle in his eye

as he spoke of long lost dreams

a smile skirted across his lips

and in an instant it was gone

his face fell back into

it's a calm resigned state.

He said the only thing worse

than tragedy, was owning it

and refusing to let it go.

Today I saw a man for a man,

trying not to be the bitter kind.

What i will not tell you

I feel you in the brush of the wind,
I smell you in the fruity cocktail of spring,
I hear you speak in the recesses of my mind,
I remember the touch of your hand on mine,
I miss you,
with everything that I am.

music in the breaking glass

……….And then the dam breaks. It’s been too much for too long. Once the barrier is breached there really is no turning back. We all believe in something until that faith is dealt a blow that fells it to the ground. Desperate effort is made to maintain some sort of semblance to normalcy. Some people call it damage control. Trying to save face seeing as the battle is already lost. Like a flimsy flame on a windy night it does not  stand a chance. Sometimes the darkness is just overwhelming…even to Light. I guess it’s time to find the music in the breaking glass.

for 2216

I’m inextricably wrapped up in you.
Don’t try to undo what it’s taken years to build.
You may tug at the ends a little, allow room for the inevitable.
Explore. Discover. Paint the sky a different hue.
Live unafraid. I’m learning to do that too.
But please don’t run too far for me to find you.
I like being entangled in you.
I’d like to think that finding you means finding me.

Wishful thinking?!?!?!

.......its complicated. but we can make it work . We use the good to help us through the bad. we hold on tight when all reason would dictate that we let go. we go beyond what we think and feel at a material moment . things change, sometimes  right before our very eyes. thats when you really know, love is a choice not a feeling. As in every relationship there comes a time when the warm fuzzy feeling is dead and cold .Then what? out of the passionless days a deeper love CAN grow. if I can love you when I dont understand you , when we aren't reading from the same script anymore and nothing feels the way it used to, if I can wait,hope and pray just long enough.....maybe we'll find us again. MAYBE. IF.

letter to my little sister.....

I often think about you. it's hard knowing that you are out there somewhere, sometimes needing me but surviving without, perhaps wanting to have nothing to do with me becuase it's less painful that way. or maybe be that's just the way we were raised -to close our eyes to what's right in front of us, respect the wishes of those older and wiser even when we know that it simply postpones the reality of having to deal with situations till later. I imagine you are fine. making do with what life has alloted you and finding joy in the little things. I know you miss daddy . I did too. I missed him so bad I made up this crazy place in my head in which he could do no wrong. I pictured happy reunions and glorious happy ever-afters every night before i went to sleep. That's what love does when forced apart. It magnifies the good and glosses over the bad. Still ,it's such imagination that helped me make it through.I see him as often as i want now. But there is no getting back the time we've lost. Only comfort is that his actions were in love and there is no way I can hold that against him...and I hope that you don't either. There is so much I want to share with you....Your life is a lot bigger than you know, school is hard but it pays off, boys come and go, smart girls know when it's time to let go, life is scary place but you can make it if you take time to pray. i'd love so much to be for you everything that I needed when I was your age. yet all I can do is hope that your in safe hands and that you'll turn out alright. I hope you know deep down that someone somewhere loves you and believes in you. ..Just like real sisters do.

....just in case you have forgotten

He is enough. 

no measure of wrong 

no heart of stone

no depth of hurt 

no tear in the night 

no bondage to sin

no fear within

not even a stubborn will 

is beyond His hand,

His touch, 

His love.

Cuts

we cut to hurt
then we cut to heal,
we cut to explore, fix or reveal
we cut to conceal.
corners. truth. sickness. youth. ties.
we cut to survive
or just to be sure we're still alive.
we cut in an attempt to end misery,then die in it!

mirrored by a tree.

twisted bark and carved arches

life has etched it's mark on me

my roots run deep and so do my cracks

I'm standing tall, but scared I'll fall.

my shadow is a giver, my soul-a taker

I reap from the ground

only to have my fruit ripped from me.

I reach for the heights,

and must contend with nature's laws,

time, season and gravity.

strangers lean on me,

they stop to catch their breath

then move on as they please...

occasionally they'll nest for a while

if the weather so conspires

till autumn comes like clockwork

sending them off in pursuit of more

just as my leaves start to fall

leaving me out there, a lonely bared soul.

i see the smoke from fires

fueled by my brothers

and wonder what fate awaits me,

will i burn or will i rot,

will be carved into something fancy

be set on a pedestal to be shown off

polished and cherished

for the rest of my life

or maybe I'll always be simply a tree

rooted to a spot but altogether free

to embrace my constant friend -the wind,

and longingly wait for spring.

because You are here

 It looks better than it has in a while,
 I can laugh and dance,
 let the warmth in all the way inside,
 I've got faith that  if seek i'll find,
 I 'm not afraid of making mistakes,
 I know You'll provide me with a way out
 You wont let me run too far,
and when I think I have-You'll come find me
Yours is a love that knows no bounds
 mine - a heart that's thawed.

"Dont ever die"

…..these words from a TV series keep running through my head. This was someone’s way of telling another that they needed them alive, In spite of everything- and nothing. Human beings have a way of losing sight of what  is  really important until it slips right out from under them. Then denial, confusion and regret set in and before we know it we can no longer separate ourselves from the wretched thing that we call our lives. We can try and fix it as best we know how, but it never really is completely restored. All around us are broken and patched up people busying themselves with moving on. I can tell because I am one of them. Maybe you are too…or not. Either way, do find a way to let people you care when you still can. As scary as it sounds to be putting yourself out there, it’s a lot less painful than wondering what could have been if only.....

whatever helps you sleep at night.

 and so I run from the truth even as it stares me right in the face. I compromise, make excuses , stretch boundaries, take back my own words... anything to help me  feel better about missing the mark. Perhaps having lived a lie for so long I may be able to turn it into reality. I look at the world through rose tinted glasses hoping that the good I continually  fail to find in myself  is somewhere in somebody else. There has got to be somebody out there who  has got it together, right? and even though  nobody's perfect.....some people seem to come pretty close. I like to think that there is a trace of beauty in their flaws.  That's why I shouldnt lose hope...I should dig deep and try to find the gem within.....even if this means sorting through so much junk.  it'll pay off in the end. Yeah. Sure.

Rain?!?

Rain has always had an equivocal effect on me, threatening and soothing in the same breath. Unbridled passions and  the unaffected parts of me that I dare not show (even to self)  are inspired by the gushing rain...suddenly they are free to run unashamedly through my mind. The drops falling from their high places are like thoughts and feelings that are finally being released, allowed to run their course and find their destinies. Some bind themselves to something greater and gain momentum as they go. Others destroy what ever is standing in their way only to meet  a similar fate or be abandoned. Like all torrents, they eventually wane. Whatever makes it through is left awakened and refreshed . The lingering sadness over what has  been lost is intertwined with the excitement of the new. Nature though often unclear does give birth to clarity. The cold on the outside compels us to deal with the cold within.

The Doubter's Prayer- Anne Bronte

Eternal Power, of earth and air!

Unseen, yet seen in all around,

Remote, but dwelling everywhere,

Though silent, heard in every sound;

If e'er thine ear in mercy bent,

When wretched mortals cried to Thee,

And if, indeed, Thy Son was sent,

To save lost sinners such as me:

Then hear me now,while kneeling here,I

 lift to thee my heart and eye,

And all my soul ascends in prayer,

OH, GIVE ME--GIVE ME FAITH! I cry.

Without some glimmering in my heart,

I could not raise this fervent prayer;

But, oh! a stronger light impart,

And in Thy mercy fix it there.

While Faith is with me, I am blest;

It turns my darkest night to day;

But while I clasp it to my breast,

I often feel it slide away.

Then, cold and dark, my spirit sinks,

To see my light of life depart;

And every fiend of Hell, methinks,

Enjoys the anguish of my heart.

What shall I do, if all my love,

My hopes, my toil, are cast away,

And if there be no God above,

To hear and bless me when I pray?

If this be vain delusion all,

If death be an eternal sleep,

And none can hear my secret call,

Or see the silent tears I weep!

Oh, help me, God!

For thou alone Canst my distracted soul relieve;

Forsake it not: it is thine own,

Though weak, yet longing to believe.

Oh, drive these cruel doubts away;

And make me know, that Thou art God!

A faith, that shines by night and day,

Will lighten every earthly load.

If I believe that Jesus died,

And waking, rose to reign above;

Then surely Sorrow, Sin, and Pride,

Must yield to Peace, and Hope, and Love.

And all the blessed words He said

Will strength and holy joy impart:

A shield of safety o'er my head,

A spring of comfort in my heart.

** Sometimes you stumble across the words of another that so aptly mirror your thoughts and feelings that you are left wondering how similar the human experience can be.